


The Shards in our Hands

by Nelioe



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Not Related, Angst, Chubby Kíli, EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erectile Dysfunction, Fíli Angst, Hospitals, Hurt Kíli, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Strained Relationships, Suffering, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Worried Fíli, diet gone wrong, fat shaming by a character, feelings of shame, smut gone wrong, talking could resolve so many issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-24 14:37:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6156830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelioe/pseuds/Nelioe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili and Kili are in a relationship for six years. Everything seems fine and like they have many more happy years to come. But then, on one evening, a problem occurs that is going to pull them both in a downward spiral and might end their relationship for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fili

**Author's Note:**

> The topic of this story is really not my area of expertise and I didn't do as much research for this story as I usually would. Everything in this story is only based on one article I read a while ago and I couldn't help but imagine Fili and Kili in such a situation. At the moment I'm mostly trying to get back into the writing flow, which has been really hard for me for a couple of weeks, therefore the lack of research. But I thought, even though the story might not be perfect, if someone might enjoy it, why not upload it here anyway?

 

 

Fili was tired, when he came home that day. Since his uncle had gotten sick, taking care of the whole company in his stead was only stressful and exhausting. It made him fear the day he would inherited it and while the more rational part of him reassured him that he would grow into this position and that everything would get easier once Balin returned from his important business trip, Fili couldn’t help but feel that he wasn't prepared at all and wouldn't manage all of this as naturally as his uncle did.

Oh, if Thorin would just be healthy enough to return. At the moment every night and morning filled him with dread. He didn't want to go to work, with all its pressure and awful tasks. Most of the time Fili didn't even know how to handle certain situation and just improvised and while normally he didn't mind such opportunities, doing nothing but improvising made him anxious.

He wanted his old position back, where he was just a cog in the wheel and knew his work by heart. Instead he was slowly drowning in work and desperation, the surface of the water with its wonderful oxygen moving further and further away from him. He was tired and exhausted and just wanted to drop into his bed and never crawl out of the sheets again. Or at least wait until his uncle was well again.

But today Fili couldn't even go to bed early. It was their anniversary and Kili had volunteered to cook dinner (instead of going with their usual plan of meeting at a restaurant after work) and the blond knew very well what would follow afterwards. It wasn't that he didn't look forward to it, but his bones seemed to scream for rest. How should his boyfriend know, though, Fili wasn't talking about half of his struggles. Didn't want to admit what a fucking failure he was and how he would destroy the company with his incompetence as soon as he finally inherited it. The thought choked him and hastened his heartbeat until he felt so nauseous, Fili was sure he was only a second away from throwing up.

"Get a grip of yourself!" the blond hissed angrily at himself.

He had reached their house, was already standing at the door, the key in one hand and waited for his frantic thoughts to slow down. He didn't want to ruin their evening as well, he was ruining far too much stuff at the moment anyway and didn't want to put his relationship on this list as well. Kili didn't deserve this. The brunet was wonderful. Kind and funny, loud and excited, but also tender and gifted with smiles that never seemed to fade away. He was all Fili ever wanted and more. He couldn't fuck this up!

And so he took a deep breath, ensuring he wasn't going to break down any moment and stepped inside. His boyfriend must've heard him, for he appeared in the opened door to the kitchen and greeted him in the hallway.

Fili gladly returned the kiss Kili aimed for, instantly feeling the brunet's arms come up around him and engulfing him in a warm embrace that drained some of the tension out of his body.

"You look tired," Kili said with a frown, when he broke their kiss and leaned back. "Hard day at work?"

Fili needed all of his willpower to prevent himself from breaking into tears just at the thought of it.

"Yeah, it was just a bit stressful, but alright."

"You sure?" Kili pressed. "We could just eat, watch a bit telly and go to bed if you are tired."

He wanted to agree, wasn't feeling like anything at all, but he couldn't disappoint Kili. He felt like disappointing far too many people already, since he stepped in for Thorin, and his boyfriend had made such an effort for their dinner, Fili was sure of it, because the brunet always did when he cooked. He wanted him to have a wonderful evening, he deserved it and Fili wasn't really opposed to some stress relief either, if he just wasn't so bloody tired.

"Nah, I was looking forward to having you all to myself the whole day," Fili reassured him, kissing him passionately to dispel the last evidence of doubt from Kili's features.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dinner was delicious, just like he had assumed. Kili had even cooked Fili's favourite meal and just the sight and later the taste of it had hit him with the force of a truck. It wasn't one of those huge gifts, like Kili sometimes liked to make, but it was such a considerate thought to cook this today of all days that Fili had almost captured his boyfriend in a crushing hug. It would've worried him, though, and therefore the blond had suppressed the urge. Still, the small gesture of kindness had increased his mood tenfold and he couldn't wait to make it up to Kili.

After they had eaten they took a bath together. The brunet had covered the bathroom with candles and even put rose petals into the water. It was corny and a mess to clean up, but Fili savoured every minute of it. The hot water, Kili's strong arms massaging his shoulders – muscles hardened by stress – and all the kisses they shared, relaxing him in a way just going to bed could never achieve. Sure, the massage had hurt a bit, due to the knots in his muscles, but the hot water had soothed the worst of it.

Sex didn't sound so awful anymore, quite the contrary. Feeling Kili's strong chest and soft belly against his back, his touches and kisses, Fili had to contain himself to not turn around and take Kili right there. But the bathroom was a mess as it was and the water began to get cold and therefore he waited.

They didn't bother with getting dressed, didn't care that they would get all sweaty and would probably need another bath. The smell of sex in their bedroom contained something erotic and so both of them wouldn't mind to go to sleep to it, as long as they cleaned up the worst mess, it wasn't hard to wait for a shower until the next morning. Therefore they just towelled themselves and headed into the bedroom, where Kili immediately took the initiative, kissing him hungrily and urging him to open his mouth to allow the brunet's tongue access.

Kili pressed so close to him as if he intended for their bodies to meld, a hand buried in Fili's hair and tugging at the blond strands just in that particular way Fili loved. Warmth crept under Fili's skin, in no way related to the bath, but coming from kisses that made his heartbeat speed up and a body so close to his own.

Kili was grinding against him, his erection screaming for attention and Fili was just about to sneak one of his hands between them and give it a few good strokes to drive his boyfriend completely wild, when a sudden realisation hit him. He wasn't hard. Despite the heat and how much he enjoyed snogging, loved the way Kili's skin felt against his, Fili's cock was embarrassingly soft.

The first wave of lust evaporated, causing him to tense slightly. This couldn't be happening, he loved Kili, Kili wasn't any less attractive than he always had been, Kili was kissing him, pushing most of the buttons Fili liked during foreplay and was simply everything the blond wanted, so why wasn't he hard?

Fili tried to will the blood into his cock, tried to think only of Kili in his arms and nothing else, tried to deepen the kiss, press closer to his boyfriend, thought how nice it would be to make love to Kili. But the more he attempted to force it, the more hopeless the situation became. What was worse, Kili's eagerness was fading, as if he sensed something was wrong.

And then, after a few painful seconds, in which Fili begged silently for this problem to solve itself, Kili broke their kiss and frowned at him.

"You are really tense," he told him softly. "Are you alright?"

Fili swallowed hard, looking at his boyfriend with wide, fearful eyes. What would Kili think of him, when he realised? The blond knew Kili wouldn't even think of laughing at him, even though a small part inside Fili's head feared it, disappointment, however, was more likely and just the thought send a roaring sense of panic through him. God, hadn't he disappointed enough people already? Did he really have to put disappointing his boyfriend to the list as well? Because of something like this? Because of something that should be simple? Never in his life had Fili had trouble with becoming erect, not within any relationship before meeting Kili and not afterwards, so why was this happening right now, of all times, on their anniversary?

Oh God, they would always remember how Fili hadn't managed to get hard. This wasn't embarrassing anymore, this was shameful!

Unfortunately Kili had noticed in the meantime, what had Fili in such a shocked and unresponsive state. It spoke volumes of Kili's love for him that neither disappointment nor anger crossed his features - although Fili was certain these feelings had to be somewhere, _they had to_ \- instead the brunet looked merely surprised.

An emotion covered Kili's expression for a second, but came and went by so fast Fili wasn't able to identify it with the dread settling in his stomach and making him only more nauseous now that he had eaten.

"It's okay," Kili said at last, squeezing Fili's hands reassuringly and looking at with such gentle eyes, the blond had a hard time comprehending what he was seeing.

But at last his boyfriend's words sunk in, leaving Fili with the urge to scream.

"No! It's not okay!" he roared, a hint of hysteria even evident to his own ears.

This was in no way okay! Why couldn't he get a fucking erection? This was in no way okay! This wasn't right! He wanted to pleasure his boyfriend and he couldn't! And his damn cock was still resting pathetically soft at his thighs.

"Yes, it is!" Kili insisted, more firmly this time. "You are stressed and tired and I should've noticed, instead of going on with our plans."

All the fight drained from his body when Fili spotted the guilt shining through Kili's eyes, an emotion he had already seen today on the brunet's features, but hadn't been able to realise it for what it was right away. Now he felt even more tired, if that was even possible, and let his head fall to Kili's right shoulder, coming to a rest right there. Not a second later the brunet's wound his arms around him and held him close.

"I don't know what's wrong," Fili whispered.

"Shh, you are exhausted, Fee. Don't think of me, just think of yourself and what you have to do to feel better."

But how could he not think of Kili? Kili was the man he loved, his boyfriend for six years today.

“I wanted us to have a nice evening,” Fili argued sadly, still not daring to raise his voice any louder than a whisper, in fear his exhaustion and this terrible situation would break his voice.

“It was a nice evening,” his boyfriend reassured him.

He wanted to protest, but couldn’t find the strength to do so anymore. Instead he allowed Kili lead him to their bed, put on his sleeping pants when urged to do so and crawled under the blanket. It didn’t take long for his boyfriend slide next to him. Arms wrapped around his chest and he was pulled against the brunet’s chest, his boyfriend’s embrace offering not only warmth but also comfort. It wasn’t so soothing though, since he could still feel Kili’s erection press against his rear.

“What about you?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” Kili replied and placed a kiss just below his ear.

“You sure?” Fili pressed. He might not get hard himself, but he could at least do something for the brunet, despite not being in the mood for it at the moment.

“Positive. Just try to catch some sleep okay? I love you, Fee. Nothing is going to change that.”

“I love you, too,” Fili murmured.

However, Kili’s comforting words weren’t able to dispel the shame. Despite the tiredness he lay awake for a long time, listening to Kili’s breath even out, feeling his cock going soft and hearing him mumble something unintelligible in his sleep. All the while Fili’s thoughts were wandering to their failed attempt of sex.

What the hell was wrong with him?

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Over the following weeks his stress level decreased. Balin finally returned and with his help Fili could breathe again. Thorin, although he was already completely cured, had decided to take a few more weeks off, mononucleosis was obviously a bitch, but with Balin at the blond’s side this prospect wasn’t able to make him break out into cold sweat anymore. Of course he felt still like he was doing quite a lot of things wrong, but it felt like Balin would keep him from ruining anything of importance and with the time and the exercise it got slowly easier.

On the down side, however, he and Kili hadn’t tried to dive into any kind of sexual activities, since their terrible anniversary night. Fili had googled his problem, but the only result that made sense was the cause of too much stress. Everything else wouldn’t make sense and he had felt mentally exhausted during the last weeks, after all. So this had to be it, a one-time thing and today he would go home and love his boyfriend until he couldn’t breathe anymore!

Just that this thought was in theory far more achievable than in reality. It started well. All those little whines escaping Kili’s throat were just as lovely and hot as the sight of him and he was sure everything would work out this time. He wasn’t stressed, his boyfriend was begging to be taken and Fili reminded his worried mind that everything was going fine so far. This time he would make up for the night they had lost. He could do it. No need to feel scared, he had done it over a hundred times already, it wasn’t hard. Just the sight of Kili would make it so easy and special. It would be just like always and afterwards he could pretend this awful mishap never happened.

But the longer they kissed. The longer he teased nipples to hardness. The longer he pleasured his boyfriend, the more he realised he couldn’t get erect once again. Horror surged through him as the heat of embarrassment crept to his head once more, causing his ears to burn.

Kili was wonderful, trying to reassure him once again, but despite all the love his boyfriend directed at him, Fili didn’t really feel it. This wasn’t a little problem anymore, it had happened for the second time and he wasn’t even stressed! This couldn’t be the stress, there was something wrong with him! How could he love the sight of his naked boyfriend, of his touches and all the knowledge of which buttons to push to drive Kili wild and still remain soft? This was a fucking joke!

Fili wasn’t able to look Kili in the eyes the whole evening after this renewed disaster.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The atmosphere in their house was tense. It seemed like an inner blockade had built itself inside his head, complicating his way of talking, thinking, moving, every day stuff, as long as Kili was in the house with him. There was this strange sense of dread sitting deep inside him, like a disease, waiting to break out and spreading to everyone coming near him. It was hard to explain.

He had tried masturbating and it had worked fine, but his relief was short lived, for as soon as he tried to have sex with Kili, he couldn’t maintain an erection. They had tried to switch positions, but were faced with the same troubles, either he couldn’t get hard at all or wasn’t able to maintain it until the end of the act. And when, after some frustrating and terrible weeks, Kili suggested to see a doctor about it, Fili had literally exploded. Shouting at his boyfriend in a way he’d never done before.

All of this tension seemed to have looked just for one reason to blow up in somebody’s face and sadly it had hit Kili, of all people. He had apologised not much later, but since this moment a distance had developed between them. A chasm they couldn’t cross. Kili began to shoot him troubled glances, but never uttered what was on his mind. Perhaps fearing to provoke another fit of screaming. Just the thought made him feel guilty, but Fili felt like he’d lost the right to touch and hold Kili. Not when he couldn’t give him what he deserved. It wasn’t right. _He_ wasn’t right.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Fili had never believed he would become one of those people that sat on the couch, and watched telly until the rest of the day after work or the weekends ended. Usually he and Kili would spent time together or they would go out with their friends, but since Fili’s problem was becoming more frequent he didn’t feel like anything anymore and watching crap was at least more entertaining than staring at the wallpaper for hours.

On one of these days Kili came home a bit later than usual and wasn’t heading to the kitchen to prepare dinner, like he always liked to. Fili had never complained about it, his boyfriend was a damn amazing cook and had fun doing it, so there was no reason to stop him, instead they had long since agreed that Kili would cook and Fili do the washing up. Today, however, the brunet joined him on the couch, snuggling up against him and causing Fili to tense immediately.

No…. no they couldn’t do this. He would just disappoint Kili again. He couldn’t ask him to hold him, kiss him, love him, when Fili’s own body was working against him.

But if Kili noticed his tense posture, he completely ignored it, instead one of his hands snuck under Fili’s shirt, caressing his skin and playing lazily with his chest hair, while his mouth got busy with sucking marks at the side of Fili’s neck. The blond groaned.

“Kili, no! I’m not in the mood.”

But the brunet got only bolder, pressing closer and aiming for a kiss Fili didn’t return.

“Kili, I said no!” Fili began again. He didn’t want that. God, hadn’t he fucked up enough already? Did Kili really have to urge him into failing once again? Couldn’t he see how damn hard all of this was for him?

It was easy to talk for Kili, to act all understanding and trying to reassure him, he wasn’t the one with the problem, he could get hard all the time! Couldn’t he at least pretend to know what Fili was going through at the moment, just to save him from unwanted attention?

“Come on, Fee,” Kili purred.

“No!” Fili roared, grabbing the brunet’s shoulders and shoving him off of him, when he finally realised a simply _no_ wasn’t going to stop his boyfriend. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I said no!”

Kili gaped at him for a few heartbeats, as if he needed time to comprehend what the other had just said and done, until all of a sudden it seemed to hit him, causing him to gaze at the floor with a jolt.

“I’m sorry,” Kili whispered, before he got up and hurried out of the room.

Only then did Fili notice his own frantic breathing and a heart that pounded so loud in his chest, it almost seemed to rock his body in its rhythm. Taking a deep breath he tried to calm himself, one of his hands ruffling through his hair, like he always did when he was nervous or agitated.

God, what if this happened again? He wanted to have sex with Kili, but he simply couldn’t. Why wasn’t the brunet able to understand it? Of course there were other ways to pleasure Kili, but he knew what his boyfriend liked best and this involved Fili’s cock up his arse, besides, the blond knew it was going to depress the other, if he wasn’t able to satisfy Fili in return.

When Fili stood up to check where Kili was lingering inside their house, he poked his head out of the living room with a new sense of dread flooding him. But the running water of the shower answered his question and therefore he returned to his spot on the couch, relieved for the moment, as he pulled his knees up to his chest and tried to make himself as small as possible, while he mourned the loss of their once comfortable relationship.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Everything got worse after that day. They still slept in the same bed, but stayed on their sides, neither of them daring to approach the other. During the week Kili came home so late he went instantly to bed, leaving cooking to Fili alone, also the brunet never ate a morsel of the meals prepared for him. On the weekends the brunet went out as well. Fili assumed he had another important project to work on and giving it his all. Fili hadn’t asked, they barely talked at all nowadays, but the last time it had manifested in the same way.

Kili looked pale and tired, whenever they shared a few minutes looking at each other. The blond had almost worriedly enquired about his health, but didn’t feel like he should steal his boyfriend’s time. He would need all of it to finish his project and Fili had already stolen him enough as it was.

To distract himself from his relationship and life going to pieces, Fili had met with Bofur, one of his friends, in their favourite pub. He didn’t want to initiate a sobbing festival, but after a few beers his tongue loosened and everything he hadn’t dared to tell Kili, to prevent disappointing him even further, was dumped on poor Bofur.

“Have you ever thought about Viagra?” Bofur suggested, looking pretty much unfazed by the whole talk.

“I don’t need fucking Viagra,” Fili simply scoffed. First he was punished with erectile dysfunction and now he should buy Viagra. “I’m not some old dude that can’t get it up without meds!”

But in truth, he really was. Well not old, but pretty much useless in the bedroom at the moment. Bofur’s raised brows indicated he had come to the same conclusion, but possessed at least enough decency to not beat him round the head with it, despite the same amount of beer he had drowned.

“If you say so, but you two should really talk, mate. Sounds like Kili isn’t dealing very well with this either.”

“Kili is fine, I’m the problem,” Fili slurred. Geez, he needed more beer, perhaps the alcohol could drown the guilt and the pity he was feeling for himself.

“Well not physically,” Bofur replied, but had to pause to burp loudly. “But you kinda said you haven’t really talked to each other in almost two weeks. Sounds like he is scared to approach you.”

Fili frowned. Kili hadn’t seemed scared at all when he tried to push the blond into having sex with him.

Before he could answer, however, his phone started ringing. Fili frowned at the unknown number, but answered the call nonetheless.

“Yeah?” he said, sparsely eloquent.

“Hello! Here is the Rivendell Hospital.” The voice on the other end of the line could barely be heard over the noise inside the pub. “Am I speaking with Mr. Fili Oakenshield, the emergency contact of Mr. Kili Durin?” a woman wanted to know.

From one moment to another Fili felt completely sober again, while an ice-cold sense of shock ran down his spine.

 

 


	2. Kili

 

 

The first day it had happened Kili hadn't been worried. He knew Fili had been put under a lot of pressure with him stepping in for his sick uncle and with Balin on a business trip. Quite the contrary, the brunet had felt guilty for not noticing sooner that what his boyfriend needed was rest before everything else and as wonderful as the dinner and bath had been, afterwards they should have stopped and gone to bed instead. This might have spared Fili this embarrassing moment. Kili hadn’t thought it to be a big deal, he was pretty sure that stress and exhaustion could pretty much cause anything. It had to be simply Fili’s body, telling the both of them that the blond needed sleep and no pleasure. But he had seen how hurt Fili had looked and felt guilty ever since.

Just that it didn’t stay with this one time. It happened again and again and again, even after the stress at work had lessened for Fili. They tried to switch, but it wasn’t of any help either. It truly worried him, since the other had never seemed to have any trouble in the bedroom before.

But this situation wasn’t only all new to Fili, after all, and therefore Kili did the mistake to suggest to go and see a doctor about the problem. With the outburst that followed the brunet told himself to never mention it again. It had obviously been the wrong thing anyway and the last thing he wanted was to hurt his boyfriend even further. As if his withdrawal wasn’t painful enough. However, Kili gave him the space he asked for with his body language, despite how much it hurt him to lose their former closeness. Hugs and kisses diminished, causing Kili to cast longing glances at Fili when his boyfriend wasn’t looking.

The brunet had always been the affectionate type, needing gentle touches even more than the things they liked to do in the bedroom. Still, he kept it to himself, knowing Fili was already fighting hard enough with everything as it was, with no one able to help him. Kili had tried to reassure him, but soon had to face the fact that it simply wasn’t enough… _he_ wasn’t enough.

The longer it went on, the more it got him thinking. Since the troubles were remaining even after the worst stress was over, there had to be more to it than simple exhaustion. What if Kili was the reason? What if he had done something that hindered Fili from letting go with him? He had caught Fili masturbating, after all. He might have stayed hidden, as to don’t give his boyfriend even more reason for his unjustified guilt, but it didn't change what he'd seen and besides, Kili had felt a bit like a creep, watching his boyfriend come undone through the tiny crack of the opened door. There was nothing wrong with it, though, if Fili felt like he needed it during a time Kili was usually still at work. No one could’ve known he would finish on that particular day sooner than expected. But it had also shown the brunet that Fili could still very well get hard and maintain an erection… just that when they were together something seemed to stop him. And whose fault should it be, but Kili’s? Especially after considering all those observations.

He had tried to think so hard of things he might have done to push Fili into this direction, but couldn’t come up with anything. This had only partly filled him with relief, a sense of dread was his constant companion ever since, making him wonder if there was something he was forgetting. It was still able to silence the worst of his fears, however, at least for a while.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The company Kili worked for had had an eye on him since school, where the brunet had won a competition. They had offered to pay for his study, if he agreed on working with them for at least five years after he’d finished. It had opened him doors to an amazing university he and his parents would’ve never managed to pay, and it had also given him Fili, for they had met on one of the uni parties. Three of those years had already passed and at the moment Kili couldn’t imagine working for anyone else. He loved his job, his colleagues and his office with a view to the fresh green of a park.

Advertisement seemed to be his thing. He had always been quite creative, but never had he been allowed to live it as much as here, sure, most of their clients already had a certain idea how their spot, jingle or campaign should look like, they often had an open mind for his suggestions, though. Sometimes the work was hard, when an important client needed a project finished to a certain deadline that sometimes didn’t even consist of two weeks. There was no reason to complain, since the extra money for such short-notice commissions was a nice compensation. Not that they needed any money with Fili working in such an important company, but Kili was rather fond of his independence.

Today, however, he was called into his boss’s office, which rarely happened and with everything going on at home it settled an uneasy feeling almost immediately in his stomach.

Thranduil was already awaiting him and offered him a seat, a friendly smile sitting on his features. Kili took it, intertwining his finger painfully in his lap, an old habit coming with nervousness he’d never really managed to get rid of.

“You probably wondered why I asked you to come.”

Kili nodded, fearing his uncomfortable swallowing was echoing through the whole room.

“An important client asked for an advertising campaign and I would like you and Tauriel to work on it. You have become one of our best employees and we can’t allow ourselves to lose this client to the competition.”

The brunet frowned. That didn’t sound all that bad, why hadn’t his boss simply told him this in a memo? There had to be more than enough other important things he had to take care of.

“There is just that one thing,” Thranduil continued and now the unease in his voice couldn’t go unnoticed. “He is an immensely rude and arrogant human being. I tell you this, so you are prepared. Working with him won’t be easy, it will be straining. But his influence could cost us more than his agency as a client. If we lose him, he could cause others to follow. Therefore we need to make him feel like he is the most important person on the planet,” the last part was uttered with so much scoff, Kili almost chuckled.

“I understand,” Kili replied. “Whatever he says, I will be on my best behaviour.”

“Thank you, Mr. Durin. I knew I could count on you,” Thranduil said with a satisfied smile.

Thranduil then called his secretary to send their client in.

“May I ask who it is?” And why wasn’t Tauriel here with him, if both of them were supposed to work on the project? Or was it simply that he couldn’t let the other wait anymore and Tauriel was still busy with work?

“Azog Warg.”

Kili blanched. The financier of that model agency and fitness centre chain? Shit. It was hardly surprising Thranduil couldn’t lose this client. The models of Azog’s agency where booked all over the world. They were slim but not anorexic and therefore quite popular.

He didn’t have the time to freak out at that prospect, though, for the door to the office opened and a huge, muscular, bald man stepped inside. Thranduil got up and greeted him halfway between the door and his desk. They shook hands and exchanged well-established phrases of civility, while Kili tried to get his panicked nerves back under control.

Getting up, when both men turned around to him, the brunet mentally prepared an appropriate greeting.

“And this is Mr. Durin, he will be in charge of the project you commissioned us with,” Thranduil introduced him.

Kili was already stretching out his hand to meet the huge hand of his client, when a roaring voice cut through the quietness of the room.

“I won’t have such a fat pig represent my corporations!”

When Thranduil had mentioned Azog to be rude, Kili hadn’t expected this. He opened his mouth to reply something, but neither politeness nor insults were able to move past the lump in his throat. Too stunned to do anything else he could only watch their client in disbelief.

“I assure you, Mr. Durin is one of our most capable employees, and he will create the perfect campaign for your agency. He will be supported by Ms. Mirkwood, who will also be responsible for everything regarding the public sector. She should’ve finished her meeting with another client by now, why don’t we pay her a visit and following this we could discuss the contractual formalities?” Thranduil suggested.

“Fine, but I hope she isn’t such a steamroller as well. I can’t be represented by such people! It is unacceptable!”

“I understand that completely. If you may follow me now.”

Thranduil darted an apologetic glance at Kili, who still stood completely shocked in front of a chair, from which he had gotten up, before he and Azog left the office.

It was as if Kili’s strings were cut and all strength had left his limbs. He sunk heavily into the chair and for a while he simply stared at the ground, not really seeing anything, as his head repeated the hurtful words. He swallowed hard, his vision suddenly blurring. Usually he wasn’t really insecure, but there had never been words of such brutality directed towards him.

He couldn’t help but gaze at his stomach, bulging over his belt and stretching his shirt. Kili knew he had become a bit chubby, since he wasn’t having much exercise anymore. At the university he’d liked to play field hockey and went swimming regularly. Now, the only exercise he had was if he and Fili went for a walk or spent their holidays with hiking or skiing. How hadn’t he noticed it before? His legs, his arse, his belly…. everything had become soft and fat. Where his belly had been flat once, layers and layers of fat where now rolling from his midsection. All of a sudden he was disgusted by himself.

Had Fili noticed how hideous Kili had become and was therefore no longer able to feel lust when looking at him? If Kili hadn’t really noticed how fat he had become with the years, surely his boyfriend could’ve missed it as well. They had seen each other day and day and slow changes could be overlooked that way, but at one point they would come and slap them in the face, like it had just happened to Kili.

This must be it. Fili might have asked himself how he could remain soft during their attempt to have sex on their anniversary and realised, perhaps via comparing Kili’s looks of once with today, just what had become of the man he loved.

No! He shook his head angrily. That couldn’t be it. There had to be another reason. There had to be! But after the thought had once crossed his head, Kili couldn’t get rid of it again.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

On his way home with the underground Kili couldn’t help but scroll through his Facebook timeline. Pictures of pictures of his younger self greeted him, showing a slender and well build lad, while he now looked as if he’d stuffed himself with too much cake. The difference was screaming at him with a brutality it almost made him physically ill.

A part of him was still holding on to a tiny piece of hope, that it wasn’t his body that had become a turn off for Fili. But how could he be sure? The last time they had sex seemed ages ago and Fili didn’t really touch him anymore. This had to mean he couldn’t stand the sight of him.

But no! No! He would try. When he came home, he would try once again. He hadn’t dared to approach Fili with it, since the doctor suggestion had ended so badly. But he would try as soon as he was home and if his boyfriend was okay with it, than everything was fine, than he didn’t think him disgusting and just hadn’t said anything to spare his feelings. Yeah…, yeah… that was a good plan. He could do this. It would work out and Kili would be able to shut that mocking voice in his head up again.

Fili was sitting on the couch and watching TV. Kili didn’t care what it was, he was desperate and needed an answer to the horrible thought Azog had sown into his mind. Sliding beside his boyfriend, the brunet snuggled up do him and almost immediately he could feel the other tense. A painful stab shot through his chest, but he wasn’t willing to just give up like this.

Perhaps… perhaps he was simply worried, this didn’t have to mean what Kili feared. He was too scared to ask anyway, too scared to receive the confirmation he dreaded so much. But if Fili went along, if it wasn’t Kili’s body that disgusted him, then he would at least return a part of the brunet’s affection, wouldn’t he?

Sneaking a hand under Fili’s shirt he began to scratch his boyfriend's chest hair gently, completely aware that the blond had always liked it, when Kili had done it before, while he began to kiss marks into the skin at the side of Fili’s neck. The other groaned, a sound Kili mistook for a few seconds for pleasure.

“Kili, no! I’m not in the mood.”

Was it their failed attempts at sex or Kili’s body that was turning him off? He had to know and therefore abandoned his boyfriend’s neck for a kiss. So far Fili had always returned his kisses.

“Kili, I said no!” This time he didn’t.

Panic welled up inside him. No. This couldn’t be happening. Fili truly didn’t think him attractive anymore…. but, no, no, he still had a chance. He just needed to get him in the right mood, if he managed it, the brunet's body couldn’t be such a bad turn off.

“Come on, Fee,” Kili purred.

Instead of awakening Fili’s eagerness, however, his boyfriend suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, shoving him off of him.

“No! What the fuck is wrong with you? I said no!”

Fili had never pushed him away like that. Of course he had been desperate and obviously had tried a bit too much to force it, but Fili had never pushed him away physically. It wasn’t surprising; all that weight pressing on him must’ve been uncomfortable. Why hadn’t he thought sooner about how much discomfort he was loading onto Fili’s shoulders with his terrible attempt to proof that Kili’s fears were wrong?

They weren’t wrong, though.

“I’m sorry,” Kili whispered, feeling his voice would break if he spoke any louder, and fled into the bathroom not much later.

After getting out of his clothes he stepped into the shower and let the water run down his body. Only then did he allow himself to cry. His world came crushing down around him, their relationship felt like a lie and shattered into a million little pieces right in front of Kili’s eyes. Of course, Fili would never mention how much he hated what Kili had become, Fili was far too considerate for such cruel words and took no pleasure from hurting other people. _Of course_ , he wouldn’t say anything to spare Kili’s feelings. Kili was fat and wrong and Fili simply couldn’t get an erection with him, because there was not one attractive fibre in the brunet’s body anymore.

When they went to bed that night, both of them staying on their side of the bed, the truth of Kili’s ugliness had never felt crueller.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Their relationship felt strained since weeks, but despite it Fili didn’t seem like he wanted to leave him, so the blond still had to hold some love for him. The thought gave Kili strength, although he had never felt more guilty for causing Fili such pain, and never more insecure about his body. However, a body could change, a character was harder, so he had to be thankful it was only his looks Fili despised.

He didn’t mind changing for Fili. He wouldn’t allow six years of a working relationship to go to hell, not with the love he felt for the blond. And therefore he’d forged out a plan. He was going to lose weight… _fast_. Kili couldn’t say how long Fili would put up with him with the way he was hurting at the moment.

The fastest way probably was to stop eating and start exercising again, to let his body burn all that fat he was carrying around. It would be hard, especially since he’d never adjusted his eating habits after the university in the first place. Kili loved eating and hadn’t reduced his huge meals into smaller servings, matching with his lack of exercise. But he was willing to do it, if it meant seeing Fili happy again.

The hunger was one of the worst parts; his stomach seemed to rumble angrily all the time. When it got too worse to handle he drank big amounts of water, it wasn’t comfortable, but at least it made his stomach feel full and stopped it from protesting further.

After work he would go running, the unusual exercise making his heart pound painfully inside his chest and his lungs burn. Kili wouldn’t stop, though. An old pair of jeans he’d dug out in the attic was his goal. He’d worn this piece of clothing during his time at university and he wouldn’t stop with his plan until it fit again.

Unfortunately, only a few days in without any food, with nothing but water, with muscles screaming from overuse, Kili thought more than once about plunking down, but all he needed to do was to recall all those wonderful memories he and Fili shared to keep going. The extreme tiredness was still something he hadn’t calculated. At work he could barely focus on anything at all and Tauriel began to notice it as well, at least he interpreted her looks that way, when he once again hadn’t managed to get as much work done as he used to.

Concentrating on something for a few minutes wasn't that hard, but everything beyond that just wouldn't work. These troubles were accompanied by a headache, turning out to be his faithful companion for a few days now. He was sweating, even though he wasn't feeling hot and then and again tremors would take over his body. Luckily not right now, while he was sitting in his office with Tauriel, who had come to go over the plans they had so far for Azogs campaign.

"Are you alright, Kili?" Tauriel suddenly asked, after they had talked everything through. "You look a bit pale. Whatever that twit, Azog, told you, don't let it get to you."

"It's nothing," the brunet tried to put her off.

"I mean it, Kili. You should hear Thranduil complain about him." Right, he'd almost forgotten she was engaged with their boss’s son. "If it weren't for Azogs connections and the possibility he could discredit the company, Thranduil wouldn't even think to work with such a prick. You know what that arsehole did before getting out of my office? He gave me a card to one of his fitness centres, said I could go there for one year for free to make sure _'my gorgeous body stays the way it is_ ', can you believe that?"

Now she had talked herself into a rage and needed a few heartbeats to calm down again.

"What I actually want to say," she began anew with a deep sigh. "Don't listen to that idiot, he is a prick that unfortunately managed to become rich and you are worth so much more than him."

Kili could feel a small smile creeping to his lips. Tauriel was a great friend and amazing colleague and hearing her think so highly of him filled his heart with warmth. But even though she tried to cheer him up, his mind soon wandered to his weight problem again and how long it might take Fili until he couldn't stand the sight of him anymore. So far running hadn't done the trick at all.

"Don't worry about me. Azog didn't say anything to me that isn't the truth," he told her.

She frowned as if she wanted to protest, but obviously thought better of it, unable to reassure him without knowing what happened.

"Anyway, so you aren't going to use that card?" Kili wondered, an idea forming inside his head.

"God, no," she scoffed.

"Well... in that case…, could I perhaps have it?"

"So he did say something to you!" she immediately realised.

"Tauriel, stop. I could really use to lose some weight. I'm not feeling very well with the way I look." Although he kept it a secret that he hadn't even thought about it that much before Azog had thrown the truth into his face and Fili was hit with his problem. "So could you please just be supportive?"

The redhead seemed to quarrel with it for a second or two, before she sighed deeply. "Okay, you can have it. But don't overdo it and talk it through with your doctor before you start a diet, are we clear?"

"As clear as crystal!” Kili beamed at her, a surge of energy shooting through his body he hadn't felt in days. With a couple of options for exercise more, he was certain that he would now truly lose weight! So far he hadn't noticed any changes, looked still as fat as before his plan of not eating and exercising, but this was going to be the turning point!

“Good,” she nodded. “Want to go to the canteen with me and grab some lunch?”

Kili blanched at this. Just the smell of food had started to make him nauseous. He’d feared he would break down at some moment, with the hunger torturing him and the smell of food in the air. But the hunger had lessened a while ago and since it had happened just the thought of eating disgusted him. An unconscious knowledge seemed to sit in his mind, warning him that he was going to throw up if he tried to eat. Kili had even recently began to close the windows during lunch time, since the smell of food from the canteen always found its way to his window and since a while this smell was making him feel queasy.

“Nah, I have some fruits with me. I was serious when I told you I want to lose weight, you know,” he lied, trying to sound as cheerful and teasing as he would under normal circumstances.

Tauriel eyed him critically.

“You aren’t lying to me?” she asked.

He felt caught under her gaze, but used all of his self-control to swallow his fear.

“Now, why would I lie to you? You’re being ridiculous.”

Her gaze stayed on him a few moments longer, until she finally seemed to accept his words, although Kili felt like he hadn’t managed to convince her.

“If you say so.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Kili was shaking by the time he dismounted from the exercise bike two days later, his lung was burning as if it wanted to burst, and feeling strangely light-headed. He almost feared he would vomit any second, but he soothed himself with the knowledge that there was no food he could throw up.

He could do it. He wouldn't give up now. Just two more training tools and he could finish for today. No big deal, he could do it.

But as soon as he took a step away from the bike his vision went black all of a sudden. His body got tilted. Reaching out with a hand on pure instinct, Kili searched for something to hold on to, but only managed to brush something with his fingertips before pain exploded inside his head.

Then... nothing.

 

 


	3. Fili & Kili

 

 

After the call and trying to explain to a concerned Bofur what happened, his friend had called a cab. Which Fili was thankful for, his mind seemed completely blank as it processed what he’d been told. His boyfriend… his Kili, brought to the hospital. The woman on the other end of the line couldn’t even tell him why, since the brunet was still being examined and that Fili simply should come as fast as possible to fill in a form. They needed to know if Kili was taking any meds, if there were allergies or illnesses in his family.

Fili flinched violently, when Bofur carefully touched his shoulder to tell him the cab had arrived. He allowed the other to guide him to the waiting car, while tremors of fear began to rock his body. The whole way to the hospital Fili couldn’t speak, his throat constricting with an awful sense of dread and when they finally arrived, after what felt like hours, they were pointed to the waiting area.

Fili let himself sink heavily on one of the chairs, after filling in the form about Kili, supported his elbows with his knees and buried his hands in his hair, while his gaze rested on the clean hospital floor. Oh God… why couldn’t they simply tell him what happened? Why did they have to send him here, left wondering in what condition his boyfriend currently was? Of what kind of condition were they even talking about? An accident at work? Kili had to be at work, right? He was gone for such long hours he could only work on another important project. But what if not? What if he’d been somewhere else? Fili hadn’t really asked. Hadn’t really talked to him in what felt like forever. What the fuck was wrong with him? How could they drift so far apart that Fili had not even the slightest idea where Kili had been, when who knew what had happened?

“Fili?” Bofur called him softly, causing the blond to look at him quizzically.

Only then did he notice the doctor approaching him, an old man with grey hair and a hearing aid visible in one of his ears.

“Who of you is Mr. Fili Oakenshield?” he asked.

Bofur must’ve beckoned him over discreetly for him to ask such a question. Fili was up on his feet in mere seconds.

“I’m Fili. How is Kili?” he demanded to know, painfully intertwining his hands in hopes it would help to silence his heartbeat, pounding with the noise of thunder inside his chest.

“Good evening, my name is Oin Luin and I am Mr. Durin’s treating physician. He fainted in a fitness centre. We noticed very fast that his blood sugar level was dangerously low, which we could help with an infusion. Unfortunately Mr. Durin hit his head very badly and didn’t awake before we reached the hospital. We diagnosed a moderate traumatic brain injury, because of the increasing brain pressure he was medicated and so far he is responding well to it, so we are quite optimistic that no other methods are needed.”

Fili had a hard time comprehending what the doctor was telling him. He felt like throwing up, his body was tense and far too hot. He wasn’t an expert on medical treatments, but supposed the other methods Oin was hinting at were the removal of a part of the bone to reduce the pressure. Swallowing hard he willed the other to continue speaking, his mouth too dry, his tongue too thick to form any intelligible sentence.

“Overdoing it with exercise is not uncommon, however, fainting is a warning signal and usually it doesn’t happen often that a healthy young man reaches such a low blood sugar level. Therefore I ordered a blood examination, but perhaps you can help me out here a bit. Since when is he doing this kind of exercise? Has he changed his eating habits currently? Did you notice increased headaches, tiredness or any kind of concentration disorders?”

And he tried, he really tried to think of these things, since he wanted to give the doctor the answers he needed, so he could help Kili. But his mind was completely blank. Fitness centre? Eating habits? Headaches? Fili couldn’t answer even one question. The knowledge hit him with such force that he felt the physical urge to bent with pain. How could he have allowed their relationship to become this mess, in which he wasn’t able give answers to questions regarding his boyfriend, when only a few weeks ago this wouldn’t have been trouble at all? How hadn’t he noticed that he’d pushed Kili away so hard that he couldn’t tell the first thing about him? Fili swallowed so hard, fearing the mere sound of it was echoing through the waiting area, for everyone to hear.

“He… ah… he was a bit pale, but… that’s all. I… I don’t know.”

The feeling of shame he’d become so familiar with a while ago only increased under Oin’s judging expression.

“We…,” he began to explain, but shook his head forcefully. Not _we_ , they weren’t the problem. “I had… have some troubles and… ah…” God, talking was such a hassle nowadays.

The doctor’s features soften at that.

“We will have to monitor Mr. Durin for a few days, in case there are any complications. At the moment he needs rest. Any kind of stress would be dangerous in his condition. If you can promise me you aren’t going to upset him, you can see him for a few minutes.”

Everything in Fili screamed to agree, but could he truly guarantee he wouldn’t upset Kili with his presence? He had messed up so much during the last weeks and if he did something wrong now, it could hurt more than their relationship, it could injure his boyfriend physically and he knew he would never be able to forgive himself if he allowed it.

“Don’t worry, he will be on his best behaviour!” Bofur exclaimed before Fili was able to refuse, patting the blond on the back encouragingly.

Jerking his head around to gaze at his friend with wide, betrayed eyes, Bofur simply replied with a huge smiled.

Oin nodded, satisfied with the answer and led them to the room. Reaching their location, the doctor informed them that a nurse would come by when they needed to leave, before he headed back to work. Fili stared at the door, the light of the hallway barely illuminating the number of the room and in the eerie silence at such an hour, his still furiously pounding heart was one of the loudest sounds Fili had ever heard.

“You should go in there,” Bofur told him gently.

“I know, but-” he struggled for words.

He’d messed up so much lately, pushing Kili away, not noticing anything about what was going on in his life. Fili truly wouldn’t be surprised if he ruined this visit at well.

“No ‘buts’, he needs you. Don’t let him wait.”

Drawing strength from the squeeze at his shoulder, Fili took a deep breath, bracing himself mentally and stepped inside.

The room was only barely lit, perhaps to spare Kili’s eyes the bright light. Therefore Fili wasn’t able to see much of his boyfriend, before he’d crossed half of the distance between the only bed in the room and the door. The infusion was the first thing he got aware of and finally, after another couple of nervous steps, he caught a glance at the brunet. Fili didn’t know what he had expected, but not that Kili would look so normal. Of course, the pale complexion of his skin couldn’t even be hidden by the dim light and there was a thick bandage wrapped around his head, but other than that the person in the bed was his Kili. The man he loved more than anything and the steady rising and falling of his chest made Fili exhale a breath, he hadn’t even noticed he was holding.

He would take it as a good sign that there weren’t any tubes, despite the one infusion ending in the crook of the brunet’s right arm. No ventilator and no strange beeping instruments he had feared. It was simply Kili, lying in a bed and looking almost like he was asleep. The thought stopped him from pulling a chair over to the bed, causing him to hover awkwardly over his boyfriend, because he had no intention of disturbing him. Kili needed his rest after all.

But then his boyfriend opened his lids and turned tired looking eyes at him.

“Fee?”

It sounded so confused, so weak, so broken, that all Fili could do was to hurriedly reach for Kili’s hand and lean down to brush a very gentle kiss to the other’s lips. It felt strange, unfamiliar in a way that made his heart ache, but also as if he’d finally found his way home.

If Kili believed the figure in the hospital room to be a desperate imagination of his hurt head, he was proven wrong as soon as soft lips were pressed against his, while he sensed a warm pressure at his left hand. It took him some time to realise that Fili was actually kissing him, after all those time and even when the knowledge hit home he had a hard time comprehending what it meant. There was no pain anymore inside his head, no splitting pounding that tried to crack his bones open, but with the pain medication and whatever else he’d been given, Kili felt like he’d been stuffed with foam. Dizzy and disoriented as he was, responding was completely out of question, for Fili had already broken the kiss.

There were so many questions roaming through his slow mind. Did Fili find out why he was here? Was he disappointed? Had this first kiss after such a long time come from pity? Kili was so scared he’d fucked up everything for good now. But his tongue felt so heavy and he was tired and talking seemed like an effort he didn’t feel like tackling at the moment, so everything that left his lips was a simple: “ _Whaaa?_ ”

“Shh,” Fili soothed him. Cradling Kili’s hand in both of his and brushing a kiss to the fingertips. Just the thought he could’ve lost his boyfriend, during a time like this, when he hadn’t even told him every night before going to bed that he loved him, had shaken him to the core of his being. Things had become so bad because of him, because of an embarrassing problem and his lack of useful coping mechanisms. It should’ve never hit Kili like this. Kili deserved so much better, deserved so much more than him.

But he had stayed, had tried to reassure him, hadn’t called him out on his shit, had simply endured and the least he could do now, was being there for him, without upsetting him or so he hoped.

“The doctor said to avoid stress at any costs. We will talk when you feel better. I’m…,” he swallowed, fighting with the lump in his throat and the pressure behind his eyes, announcing tears he couldn’t allow right now. He needed to be strong for Kili. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed. “Please, only focus on getting well again. I love you so much. I can’t lose you.”

He wanted to say so much more, but before he was able to do so a nurse stepped inside, telling him he had to leave now and could return during visiting hours on the next day.

Kili watched Fili go through a deep fog covering his consciousness and while the words Fili had uttered should be soothing, should offer him peace, he couldn’t help but search for a secret meaning, telling him he had to get well as soon as possible so he could continue losing weight. Why else would’ve Fili said it? Certainly only because he’d noticed what Kili was doing and appreciated the effort.

The medication prevented him from feeling anything at the thought, though, the tiredness pulling him into the wonderful nothingness of sleep.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

When Fili’s uncle Thorin learned of Kili’s stay in the hospital he returned back to work to the company on the same day, giving his nephew the next days off to be there for the brunet. It wasn’t really necessary, but Fili didn’t argue, thankful to have one thing less to worry about with the state Kili was in and the knowledge that he had failed him so tremendously.

Fili simply tried to be there for his boyfriend. Holding his hand, when Kili couldn’t stand any kind of noises, and talking about trivial stuff at the times he could. He didn’t mention their… his… issues with a word, fearing it could upset Kili and slow down his healing process.

But even though he tried to offer Kili more affection than he had in weeks, to show him he was there for him, the atmosphere was still tense. Their relationship seemed to lack the easy closeness of once, a knowledge that towered like a heavy shadow over his consciousness. Fili had developed a sense of carefulness in his interaction with Kili that frustrated him as much as his uselessness in the bedroom.

Kili couldn’t help it, couldn’t help casting glances at Fili to find out if this was his way of saying goodbye, if this was his way of soothing his conscience before the inevitable break-up. After all, Fili had been told not to upset him and the blond wasn’t that kind of guy that broke up with his boyfriend, while said one was in the hospital, but afterwards? There was no reason to wait by the time Kili was deemed healthy enough to deal with stress again, whatever kind of stress it might be.

He wanted to say it was okay, that he had seen it coming a mile away and that Fili shouldn’t feel guilty, should just leave if he simply couldn’t handle the sight of him anymore. Kili had accepted it on the morning after Fili’s first visit. There was no fight left in him, only exhaustion and resignation. This was what he deserved for messing up so bad. However, there was something stopping him from uttering those words, perhaps even though he told himself he was prepared for the only possible outcome, he wasn’t ready to let go of Fili.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

With the following days Kili’s symptoms lessened, but the nausea returned with full force, when Fili showed up earlier than usually, at the time lunch had been brought to his room. He was put on a special diet, since his doctor had told him his blood levels weren’t looking good. It was simple soup, nothing to feel ashamed of.  Eating it should be easy and it was, until Fili entered, carrying the fluffiest blanket they owned in his arms, probably because he had noticed Kili’s shivering then and again.

All of a sudden Kili was far too aware of his chubby midsection, Azog’s words hitting him once again with all their cruelty and the soup he’d just been enjoying, despite the taste that seemed just to scream _hospital_ , looked from one moment to another like the most disgusting thing in the whole world. Carefully setting down the spoon, Kili leaned back, nervous eyes following his boyfriend as he took a seat beside him.

Fili frowned, watching the behaviour of the brunet with concern.

“Don’t mind me, you must be starving,” he tried to encourage him, but his boyfriend simply pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head carefully.

“I’m not really hungry.”

The lie was so obvious Fili found himself wondering if he had missed some kind of evidence.

“They put you on that diet because your electrolytes look like shit. Not being hungry by the food they are serving you is pretty impossible.”

When Kili’s head jerked almost immediately, in the obvious attempt to avoid looking at Fili, with a gaze focussing on anything but the person right next to him, the blond realised he’d somehow managed to fuck up once again. He’d said the wrong thing, hurting Kili in the process. It seemed this was the only thing he was good at now. He swallowed hard, knowing very well that their lack of communication had allowed a situation like this to take place. Making the same mistake twice was out of question, regardless of how awkward, shameful or painful it might be.

“Why were you in that fitness centre, Kili?” He asked softly, his heart beating furiously as he waited for an answer.

His boyfriend grimaced.

“You know why,” was the other’s broken reply.

Fili’s heart sunk at that, while he tried to think of any hints he hadn’t acknowledged, but came off empty-handed. It was just another proof of how far they had drifted apart.

“No, I don’t. I know I have messed up. I felt so… ashamed… so insufficient-“

“Fili, stop it!” Kili demanded, unable to listen to Fili putting the blame onto himself, just to spare his feelings. How he almost choked on the lies he attempted to fed him. “I know it’s my fault.”

“Your fault?” Fili exclaimed, staring at him with wide eyes as his face fell. How on earth could anything be Kili’s fault? Fili was to blame. He had allowed their relationship to drift apart, because he was useless in the bedroom and unable to deal with it in any other way as in hurting Kili. “Why would it be your fault?”

“Because I’ve become a hideous monstrosity!” Kili hissed. “I’ve become so fat it is no surprise you can’t stand the sight of me anymore! I can’t stand the sight of me anymore!” It was the first time he said those destructive thoughts out loud and the weight of his words drove a lump into his throat and tears to his eyes. The following sob was ugly in all its pain, but couldn’t be suppressed regardless how much he tried.

Fili shoved the tray with the soup aside, crawling onto the bed and pulling Kili into his arms, right in time for the dam to break. How had it come this far? How could he have allowed such thoughts to develop in his boyfriend’s mind?

“Who told you that?” Fili croaked, at a loss for words. “It’s not true! I love you! All of you. You are amazing. You deserve so much better than someone, who pushes you away at the first sight of trouble. That’s what happened, okay? It wasn’t you. It was all me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I’m failing every time we try to have sex. But it wasn’t you. Never. You are so perfect, you are all I ever wanted and I’m so sorry I made you doubt it.”

As Kili clung to him in a desperate embrace, the first embrace they shared in weeks, Fili blinked against his tears, realising pretty fast, though that he couldn’t win this fight. All those pain radiating from his boyfriend, all the suffering he had caused… Fili had no idea how to make it right again and this scared him more than everything he’d faced so far, for nothing could be worse than the vague future of their relationship.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

When Fili left some time later, after forcing Kili to finish his soup, skin feeling stretched so taut over his face from crying that it almost hurt, Oin was already waiting for him at the end of the hallway, where the elevators were located. Fili wondered briefly how a man as busy as this doctor could’ve waited for him. In the end, it didn’t matter, though, and when the older man began to speak, it wasn't important at all anymore.

“I couldn’t help but overhear your and Mr. Durin’s troubles. I had come to tell you that the latest tests were looking very good and that there isn’t any reason to delay Mr. Durin’s discharge. I know it’s none of my business, but a good friend of mine is a couple therapist and sometimes it’s better looking for help instead of trying to deal with everything yourself.”

Not long ago Fili would’ve viewed even considering such a suggestion as a sign of weakness. But not now. Not when dealing with everything himself had almost caused their downfall. They needed help, a help they had unlearned to offer each other. If it saved what felt already lost, Fili was ready to try anything, he just hoped Kili thought so, too.

“I would be very grateful, if you could give me his number,” Fili murmured in a hoarse voice, which sounded just as exhausted as he felt.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Elrond had seen many couples in his career as a therapist. Couples ready to work on their relationship and couples that simply couldn’t be saved. Violence, alcohol abuse, affairs, drifting apart… there were many reasons for strained relationships and even if the issue could be described with a simple word, the actual story behind it was never that easy.

Fili and Kili were a couple he’d grown attached to without meaning it. It was a sickness that just came with his job, he’d always felt more sympathetic towards couples that came to him because they wanted and not because they thought they had to. Yet he was professional and kept his thoughts to himself, the sessions weren’t about him, after all.

During their first meeting he noticed many issues they needed to address, which didn’t only concern them as a couple, but also individually. He’d therefore advised them to see him alone and together. It worked well. Fili’s worry about the erectile dysfunction, responsible for setting the ball rolling, could be soothed with explaining him how these things usually worked. How it was at first coming with stress, if there wasn’t any organic reason – which could be ruled out at Fili’s age – and how afterwards the head was involved far too much. Stress hid behind many masks and one of them was putting too much pressure on oneself.

A huge weight seemed to have lifted from Fili’s heart at this explanation, motivating him greatly to try the exercises they talked about and which should help the blond relax. So far Elrond had a very good feeling.

Kili was a different matter. The weeks of lacking affection had taken a toll on his self-esteem, but even though just looking at him gave indication of how ashamed he felt while talking about his weight, the brunet was willing to try and that was all they needed to be successful.

In the sessions both of them visited together they worked on their communication. It would need improvement if these two wanted to prevent a similar situation and Elrond truly hoped to never see these two again after they had finished the goals they had set together for their therapy. They deserved the happiness they longed for.

When he went to the waiting room on that day, to call them in, he could already hear them laughing and joking before he even reached the end of the hallway. Fili and Kili were sitting next to each other, smiling brightly and holding hands.

Elrond couldn’t help but feel proud of them. They had come a long way and still needed to work on their relationship, but with the way things looked right now, he wasn’t having any doubts that these two would manage.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay, I wanted to have this chapter out like three days ago, but a paper for the university kept me busy. Anyway, thank you all so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting! You truly made my days brighter!
> 
> A few words about the article this story is based on. The article was about a couple, to show that stress can also be an immense factor for erectile dysfunction. He felt ashamed and withdrew from his wife, while she started to feel like she wasn't attractive enough anymore for him. She didn't do a reckless diet like Kili in this story, instead their relationship couldn't take the pressure and broke. I didn't want this for Fili and Kili, but wanted to offer them a chance to make things right.
> 
> So... yeah, this is were the idea came from. I hope you enjoyed it, despite all the hurt and angst.


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